me vs selfish: the never ending battle

Selfishness ... it really is a constant fight. It was triggered today by my desire to read some books I have been wanting to read (The God Delusion, The Dawkins Delusion, and Star Wars: Shatterpoint). I got so focused on what I wanted to do (read) that it came at the expense of doing things as I should in my family. I just wasn't as helpful as I should have been. Miriam went to work after we attended a funeral and I had the kids. Reading can be a difficult task with a 1 and 3 year old craving your attention. I found myself being short with Abby and Luke and all because I "deserved to read my book all day long".

How silly, how easily I try to justify my selfishness. Now I know reading is a good thing and I really enjoy reading but seriously, I am just not at the point in my life where I can take most of a day and read 500 pages anymore but I want to because it's "my time".

When I noticed that my attitude toward my family was pretty far in the selfish range, my first thought was geesh, parenting sure does test your selfishness. And that got be thinking. As a single guy it was a little easier to be publicly selfless and privately selfish. As I developed friendly relationships I became more aware of my selfishness. Still more aware as I began to seriously date Miriam. Then marriage life exposed more of the selfishness because there is no where to hide, no private enclave where one can go and be selfish. Then came kids and I could really see areas where I was selfish. It is a challenge and one that I must face everyday ... to do what I want to do or what I should do (it's great when they line up but sometimes they don't).

Time is a precious resource, one that I can't make more of. I just have to be smart about how I spend it. I am continually learning how to be a good husband and dad ... and sometimes its hard because it isn't always what I really want to do. I need to budget my time a little better. For those of you that know me, you know I can get really intensely focused on a particular activity at the exclusion of others. A quote I read about every day is "It is better to do less frequently than more occasionally". So maybe if I read about 20 minutes a day consistently, I won't have this urge to try and read too much all at once.